


Let's Be Happy In The Morning

by Gris



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Angst, Goodbyes, Heartbreak, M/M, Pyeongchang Olympics 2018, Unrequited Love, petition to cancel all upcoming seasons without javi or yuzu in them
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-22
Updated: 2018-02-22
Packaged: 2019-03-22 16:25:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,404
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13767972
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gris/pseuds/Gris
Summary: 'There is no such thing as a night that doesn't end.'Yuzuru just hopes their story isn't over at the dawn of day.





	Let's Be Happy In The Morning

**Author's Note:**

> So here you go, receive my Yuzuvier feels. Be warned though, this is an angstfest. I've been crying on twitter since the end of the mens event, I had so many Javi feels. And even more '2 TIME OLYMPIC GOLD MEDALIST' Yuzu feels. And now that I was finally a bit less sad and crawling out of my pit of emotions, Javi has to go and hit me with his semi-retirement announcement. fml  
> Do I regret rewatching the footage of them about 20 times while writing this though? no, no i don't
> 
> Usual RPF disclaimer/warnings apply.

When you’re a child, you're too absorbed in life to stop to think about change, or about how fast time passes, or how at some point, you’re going to run out. Yuzuru is not a child anymore, but he’s managed to keep himself busy enough these past few years to pretend that nothing was ever going to change. He tricked himself into believing that in a sport filled with injury and early retirement, where time wasn't on anyone's side, he’d found a niche for himself that would defy that.

 

So when it does finally strike him, how in a mere few weeks the place he’s built for himself in Toronto, the bubble of safety and hard work he’s grown accustomed to, is going to disappear, he’s fully unprepared for it. The feeling of helplessness creeps up on him, intensifies and remains, a permanent tug in his abdomen in the days leading up to the Olympics as he completes one strenuous practice after another. Yuzuru doesn't know if he'll still be here after the games, whether his ankle will hold up or be the end of his competitive career. He doesn't know if Javi is going to want to keep competing, or if he finally decides he's too tired to keep up with the young blood out there, with Yuzuru himself. All he knows is that everything is going to change, and there's absolutely nothing he can do about it.

 

Yuzuru has a new favorite quote that he’s been repeating to himself over and over again recently, every time he feels the sadness and impotence rush over him late at night, when his thoughts won't stop circling around the elusive 'what now's.

 

_'There's no such thing as a night that doesn't end.'_

 

It's a nostalgic and beautiful thought that helps easy the grief and the sense of impending loss he feels somewhat, but that doesn't mean it gets any easier to watch Javi and Brian doing cool down exercises the next day at the rink, side by side, a smile on both their faces.

 

Yuzuru looks down to lace up his boots.

 

His gaze somehow falls on Javi's form again, as it has always done for as long as he can remember.

 

He refuses to think about it.

 

* * *

 

It’s amazing how after months of narrowly missing each other’s presence on the ice between practice sessions and barely managing to talk to each other outside of it, one fourteen-hour plane ride and side-by-side business class seats can mend any distance between two people, Yuzuru thinks.

 

Javi seems happy enough not to talk about skating and the competition looming over them, so he eagerly throws himself into showing Yuzuru his collection of funny cat videos for the first hour in the air. Javi ends up laughing like a maniac. Yuzuru giggles along, but mostly revels in the feeling of his friend’s arm around his shoulders and his warm voice when he says: “Here! I found another one that’s funny.”

 

The next hour, Yuzuru is determined to educate him about all six different pairs of headphones he’s brought along with him and exasperatedly tries to explain why “ _no, on-ear headphones will never be as good as over-ear”_. Javi laughs and swears he doesn’t notice the difference. Then at Javi's request, they watch ‘Kimi no Na Wa’, Yuzuru pointing out every time the subtitles are slightly off. After the movie, Yuzuru explains the ending and Javi’s eyes sparkle with delight when he understands. They rewatch it for good measure until Javi starts to get drowsy and falls asleep on Yuzuru’s shoulder, a pair of the latter’s expensive headphones still on his head.

 

Yuzuru tries to ignore how Javi’s hand is sitting on his thigh and closes his eyes to calm his heartbeat during the next hour.

 

When they land in Pyeongchang, all laughter and jokes and poking each other in the sides while getting down their hand luggage from the overhead drawers, it’s like no bitter sting of rivalry had ever gotten between them.

 

* * *

 

It wasn’t that Yuzuru had doubted he would win the gold again. To him, Ballade and Seimei had become like a forest you knew every corner of. No matter where you went or what you did, you weren’t going to get lost in it. He had an innate sense of certainty regarding his programs and just like he knew his ankle wouldn’t get him through the entirety of his free, he knew he was going to land all his jumps.

 

While he watches Javier skate sitting in the Green Room, another certainty overcomes him. His friend was going to be on the podium with him. Yuzuru was going to be two-time Olympic champion and Javi would stand beside him. Yuzuru feels the tears well up again. He had hoped for this, had fought for this, so much.

 

Yuzuru has just finished taking off his skates when he hears Javi say his name. He jerks his head up and rises quickly to meet him halfway in an embrace. Like this, Javi is taller than him. Yuzuru doesn’t mind.

 

“Congratulations. You did it! You did it.” Yuzuru animatedly shakes Javi by the shoulders in an attempt to make him believe what’s just happened. Although judging by the blinding grin on Javi’s face, he doesn’t need to. Yuzuru drops his head on Javi’s shoulder and lets his warm voice wash over him as the other hugs him close with one arm.

 

“Come here you golden boy.”

 

In past competitions, no matter if it was Javi who had won over Yuzuru, or vice versa, Javi had always been the one to open his arms to him, to offer comfort or praise no matter what, and Yuzuru launched himself into them gladly, burying his face in the crook Javi’s neck. Now, as Yuzuru stains the collar of Javi’s team jacket with his tears, it's no different.

 

“We both did it Yuzuru. We’re both on the podium. You’re going to win gold again. I’m so proud of you.” Javi sounded truly, happy. He had left no regrets behind on the ice either.

 

Yuzuru can feel his shoulders shaking as he starts to cry. Finally, _finally,_ he can breathe again. 

 

“I want Javi win too. I want us both to have gold.” he snivels.

 

Javi starts chuckling. “Yuzu, silly, we can’t both win gold! You know that.” He separates from Yuzuru for a moment, with a hand resting on his shoulder. Grinning from ear to ear as he taps Yuzuru on the nose, he repeats: “I’m so proud of you, two time Olympic Champion Yuzuru Hanyu!”

 

Yuzuru lets out a choked laugh and puts his arms around Javi’s neck again. “But every time I win, Javi win too. You know I owe everything to you, always.”

 

In that moment, on the top of the world once again, and buried in Javi’s arms as his friend keeps congratulating him, Yuzu feels impossibly happy. Frankly, he should have known it wouldn’t last very long.

 

* * *

 

Later when he’s lying in bed wide awake, too overwhelmed by a day filled with both too much crying and laughing to fall asleep, Yuzuru thinks back to when the three of them had been standing at the rinkside, waiting for the venue ceremony to start, and realizes that that probably had been the moment Javi had decided he was done. He had turned to Yuzuru and Shoma, with a finality in his eyes and a teary gaze that said it all, and pulled them both in for a group hug. He had looked straight into Yuzuru’s eyes when he’d said: “I don’t know if I will compete after today, but if this is my last competition I couldn’t be happier to share it with you two.”

Yuzuru couldn’t help but brace himself on the purple wall as the words tumbled out of him and he laid the last painful, carefully kept truth out between them openly, for Javi to take or let go as he pleased.

 

“I can’t. I can’t do it without you.”

 

“Yes” Javi had nodded, scrunching up his face so as to not start crying as well, “you can.” Yuzuru had allowed himself to be pulled in again, and had done his best to stay on both his feet, because on the inside, he was crumbling.

 

Staring out into the dark, cloudless night of Pyeongchang, Yuzuru fears he’s allowed too deep of a glimpse into his feelings. The dam he’s been trying so hard for years to uphold has been broken in a moment of unexpected desperation, and now all Yuzuru wants to do is to run over to where the Spanish delegation is staying, grab Javi by the shoulders again and shout out the rest of what’s hiding behind it.

 

* * *

 

 

Yuzuru is in his apartment at the Olympic Village on early Monday afternoon, going through some gentle stretches and recovery exercises for his ankle, when his phone starts ringing. He rushes over to his bedside table to pick it up. Yuzuru has made sure to be very careful with his privacy, to the extent that he can almost count the people who know his number on both hands and he knows that if someone's calling him, it must be important.

 

Javi greets him with a cheerful but tired "Yuzu!”, and Yuzuru's heart sinks. He knows what this is about. If he's honest with himself, he's already known for months, even if he tried to ignore the signs. Even if he's refused to think about the words Javi said a day ago at the rinkside.

 

"Hello Javi."

 

Javi clears his throat and continues.

 

"I thought you might be asleep, but I'm glad you picked up. Listen, there's something I need to tell you first. I don't want you finding out from Brian, or the press."

 

Yuzuru closes his eyes and thinks he should have never picked up, he should have buried himself in his bedsheets for the day and let his mind fall into oblivion.

 

"I'm not going to Worlds."

 

I know, Yuzuru thinks. In a monotone voice, he’s quick to reply, "I'm not going either, too much strain on ankle."

 

There's surprise in Javi's voice when he answers. "Oh, you've already decided then? It's good though, a good decision. You need to rest." He laughs a bit at that and then clears his throat again.

 

"That's not all Yuzu. I told you already after the Free, but I've really decided now. I'm not coming back to competition, well, except for maybe Europeans. I do still want my 8 consecutive European titles." Javi laughs again. It’s excruciating.

 

Maybe Yuzuru should have gone to practice. So what if he's taking painkillers because his ankle is still hurting like hell. Skating would have hurt less than this. He wants to throw himself into the air and never come back down.

 

Javi pauses again, longer this time. His voice is soft now when he speaks. "I'm moving back to Spain, Yuzu. I'm leaving Brian." _I'm leaving you too_ , is what he doesn't say.

 

But Yuzuru has to stay strong, for his friend. He can't be selfish, not about this. Not about Javi, who has already given him so much, gone through so much. He let's out another quiet sob, places his right hand in front of his mouth to keep it silent. Javi deserves to be back in Spain, where he's always belonged.

 

"Yuzuru, are you listening? I'm sorry. I know this isn't what you wan-"

 

“Is fine Javi. I know. I tell you already.” Yuzuru cuts him off. “I know you work so hard, now you deserve to be happy. Rest. A long time.”

 

Javi is silent for a long time again before he answers. It almost seems as though after these past few days apart, they don’t know how to talk to each other anymore. To be fair though, phone calls have never really been their style.

Javi’s voice sounds rough now as he speaks, full of held back emotion. “Promise me something Yuzu, if your injury heals and you want to keep competing, keep competing. Get your quad Axel. Get your third worlds. Get your fifth Grand Prix. You are still the best skater. Don’t stop just because I’m not there anymore, okay?” Javi makes a pause to let his words sink in. “I’m coming back to Korea on the 24th. I’ll come find you.”

 

Yuzuru is left breathless for a moment, then presses out a quiet “Okay. See you soon.” through the gigantic knot in his throat and hangs up.

 

He can't take it anymore. Yuzuru knows he's strong, he's endured so much and come back from it stronger. Every single time.

 

He doesn't know how to come back from this. He doesn’t even know how it came to this. They always say that the first love is the hardest. And he sees now why people try and have it when they’re young. Easier to get over, more innocent and less intense. But no one chooses when they fall in love or with whom. The heart and the mind conflict, logic and desire battle until pain is the only answer. There were so many things about love that Yuzuru never knew before, but now he does. He can’t deny the truth to himself anymore, not when it hurts so much to keep it hidden.

 

With his right hand still holding the phone to his ear, he collapses back onto his bed and lets himself cry for the one thing he now knew for certain he could truly never have.

 

_'There's no such thing as a night that doesn't end. There's no such thing as a night that doesn't end. There's no such thing as a night that doesn't end. There’s no-‘_

 

* * *

 

The next day, Yuzuru, fresh faced and ready for gala practice, decides he will shoulder the weight of his own love the same way he bears the love millions of fans have for him. To be acknowledged, appreciated from a distance, to watch as it grows and develops, and ultimately makes him stronger.

 

And it's okay, Yuzu thinks. This is the natural order of life. The best things come to a close, new ones begin. There is no such thing as a night that doesn't end, and that's fine. Except this time, it might take him a bit longer than the morning after to put the pieces of his heart back into place.

**Author's Note:**

> So, I'll probably write more of this, but I had to get this part out of my system asap.


End file.
